Pacing and Pauses

There’s a wanky old bag of bullshittery that often comes in discussions about jazz music with mop heads. Some nob stretch once said ‘the greatness of the jazz musician is the notes he doesn’t play’ and a load of dick stretches since then repeat it, thinking they sound like they know what they are talking about. What a load of crap. It just sounds thoughtful and mysterious, so people repeat it because they think jazz is this really intellectual art form. It’s not. It’s just fucking great music played by top drawer musicians but there is nothing highbrow about it. It’s just fucking great to drive fast to. Especially Django Rheinhardt. Driving round the Andalucian roads at speed with the roof down, your girl dressed like Audrey sitting beside you, listening to Django, is one of life’s top drawer moments. A bida bida bida a bom bom bom bad a dam dam dom dibba dibba dibba dibba dabba doo doo doop… and so on.

But in a pickup – a lot of value can be demonstrated in what you don’t say, when you don’t say, what you omit, etc. For example, we’ve all heard it said many times that if someone asks what you do for a living, if your answer is casual and doesn’t go into too much detail, then it leaves them guessing. Personally, I prefer to play it straight, as I demonstrate in my infields, I just go honest and let them know what they want. I rely on eye contact, body language and smiles to make up for what I surrender in terms of mystery. There’s no right or wrong answer. Just personal preference.

I’m not sure I heard too much about pauses though. The pauses are absolutely crucial. One of the first rules I teach is to speak slowly and leave gaps.

You see the thing you’re looking for early in a pickup is the stack. The thing that takes you from the open to the conversation. Often you have to provide the stack yourself.

So this is infield from one of my recent coaching clients which he was happy for me to share with you. Take a look at how in his first day with me I worked on his pacing and speech and take a look at the difference it made.


1 – The first set, as you can see, he talks far too quickly. He blasts her with too much adulation, too many ‘y’knows’ and most importantly he gave her no chance of having a conversation. He loses her at 00:15.

2 – This set is, though still not perfect, is much better. He may still over egg the compliment but his words are not raining down on her like hail stones. He gives her brain a moment relax and she invites him into conversation at 00:56. This set goes on for about ten minutes longer than I edited here.

3 – This final one he gets even better still. Check out the beautiful long pause around 1:38. She fills the pause by actually giving him the stack: ‘I like fresh fruit’. He then goes into cartooning her, characterising her as the girl who loves all fruit whiile she giggles along. Again, this set goes on for ten minutes longer than I edited here.

Just by slowing it down, he gives everyone time to think and the girls do his work for him. In the third set he is presented with the ideal opportunity to cartoon his target. You get a girl to buy into your playful characterisation and you’re well on your way to building that tender, playful, intimate connnection that you can then carry in to your text  conversation. Your texts are not mechanical, administrative messages to arrange a meet – they are a continuation of your fun bond and intimate experience.

It’s the pacing and the pauses that won him these later sets and one step closer to admirable game.


I still have a load of infields to post from summer. Some of my own, some of my students they want me to blog. I’ll try and get round to them this week. Some of them are pretty interesting I suppose.

Prior to the Mystery Method, I did alright with women. When I read the method, it explained to me a lot of what I was doing and more importantly why. ‘Why’ is an important question to ask of any instruction.Understannd the mechanics and you master the skills. For example, I knew girls responded to flippancy, but I didn’t know why. I just thought it was cool and they just like cool. Why do they like it? No idea. To start to think about the biological imperatives behind female behaviour, well, mind blowing. I loved the feeling of fog being lifted.

One thing the method told me to do, which I hadn’t been doing, was the attraction building element of teasing. Treat hot girls like a bratty little sister. Now I used to tease skirt all the time. Skirt I was dating. But bringing it forward into the first 5 minutes of meeting a girl, that was a big change.

Over time, teasing a girl in various on the fly ad hoc ways morphed into a more formulaic and repeatable off the shelf routine. Spawned in the early moments of meeting someone and used as an attraction routine, then carried forward together into the dates as a comfort routine and then well into the rest of the relationship as an intimate and special in joke.

I’d just find some lovable characteristic of the girl, highlight it, get her to accept it, then imagine her as a cartoon version.

I like you’re hair, it’s like a pineapple.

Ha ha, yes.

I said to myself, there goes Pineapple, I wonder where she is going? Probably shopping. For shoes.

Once I can see the cartoon character in my minds eye I build the character from there, with her bit by it. Every time I tease her, I add my exaggerated criticisms to the cartoon’s character makeup. I paint them in this way and they join in. Once they accept their character, you’re well on the way to building a close bond with her. It’s a fun game of my creation that she can come along with. It’s the cheeky little sister position. You laugh at her silliness, but you love and protect her above anything.

It was a great party, but a bit weird when all Jimmy's exes turned up.

It was a great party, but a bit weird when all Jimmy’s exes turned up.

I’ve dated them all, the worm, the pineapple, the mouse, the carrot, the monkey, squirrels, coconuts, sloths, the boombox, pandas, passion fruits, the tomatoes and even once, I kid ye not, a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich.

On her date she might then tell me a bit about where she lives. That becomes a part of the cartoon. So for example, the worm told me her apartment was flooded. So I made her like Spongebob. Wormy lives under the sea.

What sound does the character make? How does the character spend it’s time? What dreams does the character have?

It’s an endless game where you build her ridiculous avatar over time, she’ll sometimes respond by building you one and you can go along with that.

She doesn’t care how silly it is or what direction it takes, it’s a cute game between you and her and every time you use it you’re letting her see your tenderness for her.

I think because it was previously a mode of conversation I’d experienced with girlfriends that I always equated it to those special people. I generally tended to do it only really with girls when I particularly liked them, but that’s just me in this case.

I went through my bang everything that’s hot stage in my late teens and early 20s. If I didn’t like a girl but she was up for sex that was fine by me. By the time I found pickup in my late 20s, I was already filtering for emotional connections.