Masculine and Feminine Modes

I am not sure I have ever mentioned this before, but it was reminded to me earlier this week in a conversation with an exceptionally beta male colleague at work. (As you may or may not know, I am back at work, doing a six month contract in the welfare shit hole that is known as Birmingham). Submissive and eager to please, this mop head’s company is significantly irritating. Though what is significant about his capacity to irritate is neither wholly his submissiveness nor wholly his eagerness. It’s how it demonstrates him insincere. So what follows is not necessarily pickup philosophy, but rather an observation of human nature.

Fuck me, this is a boring image, but it looks dead scientific.

As I’ve trundled through life, I’ve especially observed two distinct experiences in conversation with other people. I call them ‘modes’ (like the musical theory of the same collection of notes, just in a different order). One mode I consider female, as it is overwhelmingly preferred by skirt. The second mode is masculine, as while only a small portion of men prefer this mode, the share of people who do prefer this mode is almost always men. I wonder if anyone else has noticed this so obviously and apparently as I have. Let me know.

If not, watch out for it over the next few days. You’ll see. It’s all true.

The masculine mode is marked by the following types of characteristics. Patience, consideration of facts, diligence, structure. Perspectives and experiences are brought to the conversation and are handled and digested in an investigative manner.

Here is an example of a masculine ‘moded’ conversation:

Jamie: How’s things Charlie? I hear you’re moving abroad to live.

Charlie: Hey Jamie! Yes, things are alright. I was actually supposed to be abroad now, but there was a problem with the bank and it stopped me from moving for now.

Jamie: Crikey! What happened?

Charlie: Well, I was supposed to move to Malaga in Spain, we had the apartment chosen, and we were about to sign up for it.

Jamie: Go on.

Charlie: When we tried to transfer the deposit for the flat, the bank account was empty.

Jamie: Jesus! Can you tell me what happened?

Charlie: Well basically it was the mortgage company. Apparently, we didn’t remember, we’d signed to pay a lump sum in January of £5000. It cleaned us out.

Jamie: I get it. So you’d agreed to it and forgotten. When the time came it took all the money you’d saved it had been cleaned out?

Charlie: Exactly.

Jamie: So what are you going to do?

Charlie: Tough one. We can’t go this year, we’ve had our savings cleaned out and we’re in a bit of a spot now as it’s looking like I won’t have work for a while and we won’t have chance to save up for next year.

Jamie: But wait, hold on. Why don’t you just rent your house?

Charlie: We thought about it, but… we’d just don’t want randoms living in our home.

Jamie: Wait, you remember my cousin, Bille? Billie’s looking for a place to rent right now and needs a place for two years while completing a study course at the local uni.

Charlie: My God! That would be perfect. Let’s go and talk to Billie.

Jamie: Cool. By process of our conversation I gathered a full appreciation of your situation and because of this; together we were able to find a mutually beneficial solution. The world just got better for three people.

Charlie: It’s a win-win all round alright!

Now here is the same conversation, the exact same people with the same problems and opportunities, but it’s a female moded conversation. Crudely put, this is how skirt speak. Female moded conversation is generally characterised by impatience, flightiness, interrupting, not closing themes. Here is an example of a female moded conversation:

Jamie: How’s things Charlie. I hear you’re moving abroad to live.

Charlie: Hey Jamie. Yeah things are alright. I was actually supposed to be abroad now, but there was a problem with the bank and it stopped me from moving for now.

Jamie: Crikey! What happened?

Charlie: Well, I was supposed to move to Malaga in Spain…..

Jamie: Spain! Nice! I love to go there.

Charlie: It’s beautiful. Give me a bit of tequila, tapas any day.

Jamie: Did you know Sam and Jules chose it for their honeymoon.

Charlie: Sam, such a bore!

Jamie: Tell me about it, you know, I think Sam has no fashion sense, dresses in the dark.

Charlie: I saw this amazing pair of trainers at Zara yesterday.

Jamie: Ooooh, which shop.

Charlie: Stratford.

Jamie: It’s always been a scruffy place has Stratford.

Charlie: You know we always have such great conversations.

Jamie: yes, sorry to hear you didn’t get to move to Spain.

Charlie: Well nothing could be done. That’s life.

I’m nearly 40. This is all just observation over years of conversations. It’s something I’ve always noted, even pre-pickup. Looking back, I’d venture that moded conversation is the single biggest factor influencing the extent to which I want to get to know people further. I find the female mode unbelievably irritating and I don’t count them as real conversations. I like a topic to be under discussion and information to be shared fully so that all parties are as fully appraised as they can be. My repulsion to my work colleague is visceral and since I have marked his card I have avoided bumping into him. I can do without his bunkum.

So how does it relate to pickup? What’s this got to do with your next set?

Well I don’t know. I am not sure it does. Though I did always recognise that conversation in set may not always follow the logically and structured path for which I would have hoped. I may seed the opening to a fantastic DHV opportunity, only to have my sentence snipped and the girl enthusiastically take the conversation elsewhere. Just for the sake of an example, let’s say I would like to say:

‘I don’t drink. Having younger nephews who copy me, I prefer to set a good example’. (An obvious K targeted ‘protector of family’ DHV. Good 10 point score on a K select that).

In set I’d often get:

‘Oh, I don’t drink. Ha……’

‘Oh wow, I love sangria, have you not seen the massive sangria bar on the square!’

At this point, I’ve learnt the best choice of action early on in the set is to go with the enthusiasm. Don’t be overly keen to circle back to the DHV. Initially I’d feel deep dissatisfaction at this point and I’d want to circle back to my DHV. I look back now and realise I was letting my desire for good conversation override my desire to take the set.

Now, dates are different. You don’t have to worry as much on a date that the set might fizzle out at any moment, since committed time to get to know you. You have much more liberty to impose your world view and indeed it’s what you should do, in a fun and compelling way.


  1. Good post. It has everything to do with pick up. Staying on topic is still a sticking point of mine, especially on the first few sets of the day. You have to do your part to keep the set chugging in the right direction, if the girl derails you with her female mode conversation then your frame isn’t strong enough… or she just doesn’t get it.

  2. In your example near the end where you are starting a thread ( your DHV story ) and the girl immediatly “steals the frame” and starts talking about a random bar in the town square.. Dosn’t letting a girl “steal the frame” as Tom or K would say end up causing you to lose points.

    If you don’t steer the convo back to your original topic and nip her frame steal do you feel you lose poiints and it could cost you the set?

    1. Well this is the thing, unfortunately, pickup isn’t algebra. It’s not as simple as ‘do this at this time, then follow this rule and do that’. Sometimes you have to make judgement calls. What’s my best play in this moment, lose the frame and keep a good vibe, or vice versa.

      There will be times it’s an easy call and it’s obvious. But there’ll be times when it’s hit and hope.

      I remember a time I went on an instant date in Belgrade with a really hot girl. After a few hours together she invited me to go to the shopping centre to eat some kind of ice cream she’d heard about. I didn’t go, for fear of losing the frame (and the fact it was a long walk).so I kept the number and text gamed for a day two..Never saw the girl again.

  3. “Though what is significant about his capacity to irritate is neither wholly his submissiveness nor wholly his eagerness. It’s how it demonstrates him insincere.”

    “A friend to all is a friend to none” – Aristotle.

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